A Strong Woman
by theatre geek
Summary: Erica Hahn has always been a strong woman, but does that really make her a lesbian? Callica FemSlash
1. Stuck

Title: A Strong Woman

Summary: Erica Hahn has always been a strong woman, but does that really make her a lesbian?

Rating: T for now.

Chapter 1: Stuck

A/N: I know this has been done several times before, but I wanted to try my hand. Please read and tell me what you think! This chapter is short, but it's just to get started.

I can't be gay. It's just too cliché, right? All the boys in the big boys' club will see this as some sort of attempt to be one of them, which I'm not. I'm not afraid of Callie for personal reasons; I'm afraid of what people will think. Yes, I said it. And specifically, I'm afraid what it will look like to those men I work with.

I am a strong woman. A strong woman is not necessarily a lesbian; I learned that a long time ago. Through medical school and residency I was teased for being a woman pursuing something other than gyno, pediatrics, or a cute doctor to marry, and of course all those men pulled out that excuse that I must be gay, that I must want to be a man if I want to be a surgeon. It's lame. It's "gay," if you will, that all those men who felt threatened by me thought that they could get rid of me by shoving their male privilege in my face, as if I didn't already know they had it.

I can't be gay. I won't let myself because that would be just what those boys would want. But I love this woman. Yes, I love her. I love every part of her. I love her voice, her thoughts, her smile. Fuck, I even love her frown, though not as much as I love her smile. When did this start? I'm not quite sure, but then how many friends can tell you when they became lovers? But I can't let her know. I can't let anyone know, for the sake of my career and all that I've worked for I entire life.

I guess Callie started me thinking about it yesterday at Joe's when she told me about what Addison had said. I never really thought about it before that. At the time it seemed absurd. We were good friends, best friends. Not all best friends secretly want to sleep together. If that were true, no straight woman could befriend with a man. That night after I got back to my apartment, though, after a few drinks, I started thinking about the real way I feel about Callie and our friendship. That's when it hit me. I do love her. But I also know that I can't do anything about it. I wouldn't dare.

Now I just need to convince myself.


	2. Strike

Title: A Strong Woman

Summary: Erica Hahn has always been a strong woman, but does that really make her a lesbian?

Rating: T for now.

Chapter 2: Strike

A/N: Thank you ALL for your reviews! They make my life! Please keep them coming!

I sit at the bar. It is a small bar I have picked for the simple fact that I have never heard of it before. I take my seat and order a tequila sunrise. It's a girly drink, I know, but given my motive, I think tequila is probably the best bet. I nurse it for a while, scanning the room for any men who might be willing to help a woman struggling with her sexuality.

I have my eye on this slightly scruffy man down the bar from me. Facial hair, buff, very masculine, just what I need. I'm not one to treat sex lightly, but tonight, things are different. Tonight I need a man. I know it seems a bit hypocritical that I am doing exactly what I have yelled at Callie for doing, but screw it. And it's not like I'm going to hide this from her, I just won't tell her why, exactly, I needed this so badly.

Some old rock music is playing as the man I've been eyeing meets my gaze. I smile at him. He takes the bait and makes his way over to sit on the barstool next to mine.

"Hey, there." That's original.

"Hi."

"I'm Ian."

"Hi, Ian. I'm Erica."

"Can I buy you another drink?" He suggests, noticing my glass is almost empty.

"Why, thank you."

"Jimmy," he calls to get the bartender's attention. "Another drink for the lady." He is so polite.

"Of course," Jimmy replies.

"You come here a lot?" I laugh at myself inside for my use of such a trite line, but then I'm not one for creativity.

"All the time. I used to work around the corner at Lowe's. Now I'm managing a store a few miles away. Not the most prestigious career, but it's what I like."

"Sounds like fun." I must have picked the most stereotypical country man ever.

"What do you do? I've never seen you in here before."

"I work at a hospital."

"Oh, you're a nurse?" Wow, as much as that hurts, I let him think what he wants. I'm sure it'd just intimidate him to know he was trying to sleep with one of the foremost cardiothoracic surgeons in the country.

"Something like that." I take the drink Jimmy hands me and continue chatting Ian up, working a bit faster on this second drink. Ian orders me a third, and then a fourth, while he keeps up my pace in beers. As the night grows later the bar starts to empty. People are going home, it seems. Ian picks up on this too.

"Hey, honey, wanna get out of here?" I let him make the moves. I want a 'real' man, someone strong and confident. Someone who will make me feel like a helpless little woman.

"With you? Sure." I smile, flirting and putting up my best innocent girl façade.

"My apartment's right down the street. Very convenient if you ask me."

I let him take my hand and lead me out of the bar as we both wave good night to Jimmy. I smile to myself. Maybe I'm right. Maybe I am straight after all. I did get this guy to take me to his apartment.

When we get there the first thing I notice is the size. It's very small and not kept very well, but then he is a man. A burly, sexy man, I remind myself. As he closes and locks the door, he offers me a drink and I refuse. I'm feeling pretty buzzed now, and I don't want to risk losing my purpose here. He gets himself a beer and then he turns around and kisses me hard. It feels the same as every other guy I've kissed, though I'll admit those numbers are less than astounding. It's nothing special, but I reciprocate.

This leads exactly where we both intended it to lead: to us in his bed fucking. It is not the best I've had. In fact, it is horrible, mostly because I am thinking about someone else the whole time. As much as I fight it, I don't seem to be able to cum without picturing her. I disgust myself. Soon after he finishes, I follow with my eyes closed and Callie's body inside my eyelids. He rolls off me, removes the condom and tosses it to the floor. By the time he rolls back toward me, I've made up my mind.

"We can go again in a little bit. Just let me finish my beer."

"Um…" I hesitate.

"Or, we can sleep. I'm cool with that too." He cuts me off.

"Actually, I really need to get going." He shoots me a disappointed look, but I don't let it get to me. "I have to work tomorrow." By this point it's nearly 3AM and my buzz has worn off. I get out of bed and pull my clothes on again as quickly as I can without seeming too rude. I know that I'm rejecting this guy, so I try not to make it more painful by prolonging the process.

"Was I that bad?"

"No, I just really need to be on time for work." I turn to leave, but then add, "I'm glad I met you, Ian." I continue out the door and walk to my car, which is still at the bar. I don't drive to my apartment. Things have just cleared up. I need to think, so I drive to the hospital to pretend to do paperwork while I try to get up my courage.


End file.
